After repeatedly making compromises myself in my last marriage, I gradually realized the middle ground might not exist. Although there were essentially no room for me to step back anymore, I still wanted to continue my relationship with my ex-wife. As the good memorries with my ex-wife was irreplaceable, and I had already sacrificed myself for her numerous times, divorce was not an option for me.
That is the thing we were not able to share with each other. My ex-wife rarely joked about anything, once she got upset, she would immediately attack me in any situations. It’s like even when I am fighting with external enemies, she could start a full scale civil war at any moment. The worst part was that she was so unstable and unpredictable that she could be triggered by literally anything as simple as the sound volume of my footsetps and my tone. Talking back could easily cause her to ignore me more than a week.
Despite the fact that it was her who started most fiascoes in the first place. I was the one to be blamed and paying the prices. She always played the victim. No matter how sincerely I tried to negotiate with her, she never listened. She claimed I just wanted to bully her, take advantage of her which was total nonsense. It seems that she could not understand that I was her family and she should have been responsible for her part in this family. I was treated as if I was still her boyfriend or worse.
Now I will be not able to get rid of her anymore. The damage in my heart is permanent. From now on, no matter who I date, whether I have another marriage, she would always exist somewhere around me in some format like a ghost. We have been separated for almost half year, I still can hear her calling my name in my dream. In the midnight when the emotional part of my brain becomes active, I can’t help but thinking about her and regretting about my own imperfections. I am asking myself the same question: what if I hadn’t shouted at her at that very day despite I have already known the answer. No matter what I did, our marriage would not last long.
I was born in a difficult family. I grew up in a difficult country. The traumatic events I have experienced are beyond people’s imagination. I never thought that I would get divorced by her after everything I did for her. I got stabbed in the back by people I loved again and again. This is too much and this is getting old.